After Phone Rituals

I hate talking on the phone. I hate it when other people talk on the phone. I avoid it like the plague unless it's Dvs or Pg because then if I need to call them back a bunch of times I can. I mean, it annoys them, but it's doable. And the reason that I hate the phone so much is my after phone ritual. It used to be shorter, but as OCD has a tendency to do, it has grown until it's the overwhelming ritual. Obviously I have to wash my hands until I've done that right, but after I or somebody else gets off the phone. I rush to the computer where this is always typed into an address bar:

LIVE I'm waking up alive wake up alive I'm just waking up alive you're waking up alive you're just waking up alive

And then as I stare at these words, I either say out loud or mouth to myself, sometimes with my fingers in my ears so as to block out anything on the tv or Rr or Jr talking:

I will live, I'm gonna live, I shall live. The second time I fall asleep I will live, I'm gonna live, I shall live. The third time I fall asleep I will live, I'm gonna live, I shall live. I will live, live, live, live, I live. 

When I fall asleep I will live. When I fall asleep I'm gonna live. When I fall asleep I shall live. When I fall asleep I'm going to live. When I fall asleep I live.
     These exact phrases are then repeated by adding second, third, etc. Such as "when I fall asleep the second time I will live". Replace second with third            and repeat, then again with fourth, fifth, all the way up to eighth.

If I fall asleep I will live. If I fall asleep I'm gonna live. If I fall asleep I shall live. If I fall asleep I'm going to live. If I fall asleep I live.

I will wake up alive, I'm gonna wake up alive, I shall wake up alive, I'm going to wake up alive, I wake up alive. 
     These phrases are also repeated by adding second, third, etc. Up to eighth.

I'm waking up alive, I'm just waking up alive.

Sometimes I have to add people in saying their names first and then each phrase. Other times I add "no matter what" in front of them. Other times I change the "I" to "you" and say them all again. I'll take the when or if out and say each phrase again that way. There are a lot of combinations of ways I say the same phrases, so as to cover all the OCD bases.

I also add times when I'm feeling especially anxious or caught in an OCD loop such as:

I will live at 1 o'clock, I'm gonna live at 1 o'clock, I shall live at 1 o'clock, I'm going to live at 1 o'clock, I live at 1 o'clock.

Depending on the day, I might do a few times. On bad OCD days, I'll do every hour. I also change the "I" to "you" and say all the phrases that way. 

Can you imagine doing all this after each and every phone call? It can be exhausting. The worst part is when I hear/see/think a "bad" word in the middle of any of them. That's when I have the strong urge to wash my hands and call the person back. Obviously, this causes intense anxiety when there is no way to speak with that person again such as customer service or if the person has gone to work or bed or whatever other reasons there might be. 

It makes things even worse when it's somebody else talking on the phone such as Rr or Jr. Then I want them to call whoever they were talking to back until I can get the ritual right. 

Involving people in my rituals is bad, it has caused many arguments. Avoidance is bad. Performing the rituals is bad. Hopefully with further counseling and therapy, I'll be able to confront this and stop asking other people to call people back. I'll be able to stop calling people back myself and speak on the phone like a "normal" person.

Also, these are the same rituals I perform after talking to people in person and especially touching anybody. And honestly, I do it after seeing people drive by too, even strangers. 

My mind is always tired. 

~B