Extreme Rituals

My rituals have grown and grown into this monstrosity that consumes so much of my time. Any time somebody uses the phone, including myself, this is what I "have" to do afterward. I also do it after I talk to anybody in person, see people walking out on the street, or the UPS truck and the mailman. Typically people in cars are ok, except sometimes I do it after then too. And any time during the ritual, if I see/hear/think "bad" words or phrases, I wash my hands and start again. 

Also, if I see/hear/think any "bad" words after talking to somebody or seeing somebody, I wash my hands and have to talk to them again or look at them again. Because obviously somehow my brain thinks my thoughts have something to do with them. And my fears could happen unless I talk to them again or look at them again. This has caused me to call people back a bunch of times. I've also asked other people to call people back, which leads to arguments with my husband and son.

I do these rituals to prevent the chance of seeing/hearing/thinking "bad" words. I have to get the "good" ones in before there's a chance for the "bad". And I do them in quotations because logically I know there are no good or bad words, but that's how I can describe them for OCD purposes.

So what I do is I have my "good" words and phrases typed in an empty tab address bar on my computer. I also have it in a memo on my phone and I have the word LIVE written on my fridge in case I need that. After a phone call or talking to somebody, seeing somebody, a specific truck or car drives by, the neighbors, etc. this is the entire ritual I do. I stare at these words and then recite them to myself. And I often stick my fingers in my ears so that I have no triggers while I do it. I'm putting BEGIN where it starts and END where it stops so you can see the magnitude of what I deal with. Where you see an initial, it is a person's name. I'm actually partially through this and decided it is entirely too much to type out. Imagine saying it all. :/

BEGIN

I sleep I will live, I sleep I'm gonna live, I sleep I shall live, I sleep I'm going to live, I sleep I live. You sleep you will live, you sleep you're gonna live, you sleep you shall live, you sleep you're going to live, you sleep you live.

I'm waking up alive, I'm just waking up alive, you're waking up alive, you're just waking up alive. I will wake up alive, I'm gonna wake up alive, I shall wake up alive, I'm going to wake up alive, I wake up alive. You will wake alive, you're gonna wake up alive, you shall wake up alive, you're going to wake up alive, you wake up alive.

I do wake up alive, I D O wake up a live. You do wake up alive, you D O wake up alive.

R I will live in my sleep, R I'm gonna live in my sleep, R I shall live in my sleep, R I'm going to live in my sleep, R I live in my sleep. R I will live before I wake up, R I'm gonna live before I wake up, R I shall live before I wake up, R I'm going to live before I wake up, R I live before I wake up.

J I will live in my sleep, J I'm gonna live in my sleep, J I shall live in my sleep, J I'm going to live in my sleep, J I live in my sleep. J I will live before I wake up, J I'm gonna live before I wake up, J I shall live before I wake up, J I'm going to live before I wake up, J I live before I wake up.

M I will live in my sleep, M I'm gonna live in my sleep, M I shall live in my sleep, M I'm going to live in my sleep, M I live in my sleep. M I will live before I wake up, M I'm gonna live before I wake up, M I shall live before I wake up, M I'm going to live before I wake up, M I live before I wake up.

D I will live in my sleep, D I'm gonna live in my sleep, D I shall live in my sleep, D I'm going to live in my sleep, D I live in my sleep. D I will live before I wake up, D I'm gonna live before I wake up, D I shall live before I wake up, D I'm going to live before I wake up, D I live before I wake up.

-------The above is then repeated with other names if I've talked to or seen then that day so it could be one or more times it's repeated with their name------

R when I sleep I will live, R when I sleep I'm going to live, R when I sleep I shall live, R when I sleep I'm going to live, R when I sleep I live. R when I fall asleep I will live, R when I fall asleep I'm gonna live, R when I fall asleep I shall live, R when I fall asleep I'm going to live, R when I fall asleep I live. R I sleep I will live, R I sleep I'm gonna live, R I sleep I shall live, R I sleep I'm going to live, R I sleep I live. R I fall asleep I will live, R I fall asleep I'm gonna live, R I fall asleep I shall live, R I fall asleep I'm going to live, R I fall asleep I live.

J when I sleep I will live, J when I sleep I'm going to live, J when I sleep I shall live, J when I sleep I'm going to live, J when I sleep I live. J when I fall asleep I will live, J when I fall asleep I'm gonna live, J when I fall asleep I shall live, J when I fall asleep I'm going to live, J when I fall asleep I live. J I sleep I will live, J I sleep I'm gonna live, J I sleep I shall live, J I sleep I'm going to live, J I sleep I live. J I fall asleep I will live, J I fall asleep I'm gonna live, J I fall asleep I shall live, J I fall asleep I'm going to live, J I fall asleep I live.

M when I sleep I will live, M when I sleep I'm going to live, M when I sleep I shall live, M when I sleep I'm going to live, M when I sleep I live. M when I fall asleep I will live, M when I fall asleep I'm gonna live, M when I fall asleep I shall live, M when I fall asleep I'm going to live, M when I fall asleep I live. M I sleep I will live, M I sleep I'm gonna live, M I sleep I shall live, M I sleep I'm going to live, M I sleep I live. M I fall asleep I will live, M I fall asleep I'm gonna live, M I fall asleep I shall live, M I fall asleep I'm going to live, M I fall asleep I live.

D when I sleep I will live, D when I sleep I'm going to live, D when I sleep I shall live, D when I sleep I'm going to live, D when I sleep I live. D when I fall asleep I will live, D when I fall asleep I'm gonna live, D when I fall asleep I shall live, D when I fall asleep I'm going to live, D when I fall asleep I live. D I sleep I will live, D I sleep I'm gonna live, D I sleep I shall live, D I sleep I'm going to live, D I sleep I live. D I fall asleep I will live, D I fall asleep I'm gonna live, D I fall asleep I shall live, D I fall asleep I'm going to live, D I fall asleep I live.

-------The above is then repeated with other names if I've talked to or seen then that day so it could be one or more times it's repeated with their name -------

The first time I fall asleep tomorrow I will live in my sleep, the first time I fall asleep tomorrow I'm gonna live in my sleep, the first time I fall asleep tomorrow I shall live in my sleep, the first time I fall asleep tomorrow I'm going to live in my sleep, the first time I fall asleep tomorrow, I live in my sleep. The first time I fall asleep tomorrow I will live before I wake up, the first time I fall asleep tomorrow I'm gonna live before I wake up, the first time I fall asleep tomorrow I shall live before I wake up, the first time I fall asleep tomorrow I'm going to live before I wake up, the first time I fall asleep tomorrow I live before I wake up.

------The above is then repeated replacing first with second and then third and so on until the seventh place------ After that, I replace "I" with "you" and repeat the entire process.

That I will live in my sleep, that I'm gonna live in my sleep, that I shall live in my sleep, that I'm going to live in my sleep, that I live in my sleep. That I will live before I wake up, that I'm gonna live before I wake up, that I shall live before I wake up, that I'm going to live before I wake up, that I live before I wake up. That you will live in your sleep, that you're gonna live in your sleep, that you shall live in my sleep, that you're going to live in your sleep, that you live in your sleep.

That I will wake up alive, that I'm gonna wake up alive, that I shall wake up alive, that I'm going to wake up alive, that I wake up alive. That you will wake up alive, that you're gonna wake up alive, that you shall wake up alive, that you're going to wake up alive, that you wake up alive.

END

Sometime I need to actually write out every thing I recite so the sheer volume of it can be seen. But I got annoyed with typing out even this much and I'm lazy so there's that.

But this is my OCD life. And this is why I get annoyed to the core when people think OCD is a quirky trend. And by the way, this is only my main compulsion. There are a lot of others that I deal with.

This is why I'm always exhausted.

~B