Monday, October 16, 2017

His Roommate

He leaves without saying goodbye, see you later, or have a nice day. He walks in the door without saying hello, how are you, or how was your day. The rest of the day is spent me doing something and him doing something else, usually in different rooms. Every so often, we'll watch a show together. Even then, he makes it seem like a chore unless it's a show he actually wants to watch. I go to bed by myself and on the rare occasion he gets into bed while I'm still up. No chatting, no cuddling. 

There's no goodnight kiss, in fact, there's never any kisses. Well, I take that back. He tries to kiss me when we're having sex. And that pisses me off. The only time he can kiss me is during sex? No thanks. Apparently I'm too repulsive to kiss any other time. And to that point, he never touches me unless we're having sex. I think we've hugged less than a handful of times in the last year and those were because I hugged him. And even when we do hug, it's awkward, he never actually puts his arms around me and squeezes. I just put my arms around him and that's the extent of our "hug". The only thing he's ever complimented me on are my boobs. But he's made plenty of jokes about the rest of me, wrinkles, "dragon" feet. 

I'm sure he thinks awful things about my weight, my teeth, and who knows what else but I suppose at least he's smart enough to keep those comments to himself. I honestly think he would be perfectly happy if I never talked to him, never gave him any attention at all and just left him alone to do whatever he wants. Until he wants sex, then of course, he needs just enough of my attention to do that. And he wonders why somebody that never hears "I love you", never gets kissed, never gets hugged or touched or caressed at all is less than thrilled when it's time to have sex or never initiates sex or is just plain pissed off all the time.

For the life of me, I struggle to understand why he even wants to be married. At least to me. Maybe he would be different with somebody prettier or with somebody without as many mental health issues as I have. Maybe he would tell her he loves her or ask her about her day. Maybe he would kiss her goodnight or kiss her ever. 

We hardly talk about our lives together. I have no idea what he's doing in school, what his assignments are, how his grades are. I hear random bits of "oh this funny thing happened, or somebody said this funny thing" and that's about it. On the same token, he has no idea about my day either. He never asks me about my meetings with my support worker. He's completely uninterested in me in general. We never talk things over like married couples. He just tells me what he's doing and does it, even if I think it's a bad idea or we should do something else. None of what we've gone through - and we've gone through a shit ton - has brought us closer together or made us a stronger couple. We're still fighting the same fights, arguing about the same things.

And to top it all off, I constantly have a little version of him taking his side, being his cheerleader. No matter what the situation is, I'm always wrong and he backs his Dad. 

They both constantly complain that all I do is bitch. Yet if either took the time to give me any kind of attention, that might change. Of course, in saying anything, I'm just a drama queen. I guess if asking for attention especially from somebody you're married to, that you're supposed to be sharing your life with is being a drama queen then that's what I am. 

I'm just so tired of feeling alone, ignored. I'm tired of him thinking he does everything. I'm tired of feeling ugly and unappreciated. I'm tired of feeling unworthy and forgettable. I'm tired of feeling like his roommate.

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